marriagewire

Communication

"Keep the lines of communication open."

That admonition was popular several years ago, and it still shows up from time to time. What does it mean? I certainly don't know, and I doubt that anyone else does.

Does it mean that talking is the way to solve problems, prevent problems, what?

Is it a metaphorical statement liking talking with each other to a telegraph line? Is it about always being ready to listen, as in staying off the phone, ready to answer if someone tries to contact you?

Used to be that talk therapy was the way to fix any emotional problem, talk about it and it would eventually solve itself. Unfortunately, that doesn't work, at least it doesn't work a lot of the time. Insight doesn't necessarily arrive with talking about something, and worse, insight does not necessarily cause change to happen.

We now have more and better choices than just "talking about it."

And, what is meant by "communication?" That's a very broad subject. It's communicating when someone gets pulled over by a policeman for speeding. It's also communicating when one has to pay the fine.

So, I say, ignore the trite advice to "keep the lines of communication open," and, instead, discover the information processing style preferences of whoever you want to communicate with. If you do, you'll find it much easier to get what you want, explain what you mean, and understand how the other person is receiving what you've said.

The meaning is the meaning received, not the meaning sent.

What that means is that it doesn't matter very much what you intended to say, were trying to say, if the person listening perceives it otherwise. You have to speak their language for the message you intend to be received without distortion.

Marriage Takes Work?

I've read it and heard it for almost forever, and have no idea what kind of work is involved. No one has ever told me, at least I don't remember anyone sharing that information.

Is it manual labor? Or, the thinking, planning kind? Or does one just show up, punch in, and then hang around in case there is some kind of work today?

Who would want to sign on to a job involving work, when you thought it was going to be pleasure, and sharing, and cuddling, and doing things together, and it might involve children, and probably in-laws.

And who would want to take a job involving mysterious work that is not revealed, in fact it looks very much like marriage taking work is like being shanghaied on a nice walk on the dock and waking up to find one is a cook's assistant on a cargo ship.

Does marriage take work, seriously, does it? I don't think so. In fact, marriage is one of those nominalizations that doesn't exist in reality. We marry legally by signing a document, but the document doesn't indicate what is involved in the deal. We find out later that it means we're giving up a great many rights we had before we signed, and getting some vague and unforeseeable ones.

Marriage is a legal agreement, but that does not indicate work will be forthcoming.

I think marriage is whatever you want it to be, together. Maybe a little bit of work there, but not really enough to fuss about.

I also think that saying marriage takes work is sort of an excuse for dismissing puzzlements, questions, complaints, and important issues of disagreement that they don't have a real answer for, or are afraid to tell you what they really think about your own behavior or partner choice.

If you have a clue about what kind of real work might be involved in marriage, please share it in a comment.

Thanks,

Pat

Post Series: True? Useful? or Not?

What do you think of the following statements and advice?

• Marriage takes work.
• Keep the lines of communication open.
• You must forgive.
• Put your spouse first.
• Never go to bed angry.
• Love the one you're with.
• Love is a choice.
• Divorce should be harder to get.
• It's more important to be the right person than it is to marry the right person.
• Apologize whether you are in the wrong or not.

I'm going to be writing about all of the above statements in a series of posts I'm titling, "Useful? True? or Not?." I welcome your comments and suggestions for additional items to include in the series.

Pat  

Why Marriage Wire?

I read and hear a lot of drivel about marriage, and the drivel is nothing new. Too bad, because we need non-drivel, and non-drivel in abundance. I don't know if the need is greater now than before. I hear that, but I don't think I believe it. It's popular and easy to find something to be alarmed about, and divorce statistics come in handy for being alarmed about the state of marriage.

Personally, I'm not at all sure divorce statistics are a reliable indicator that marriage is in trouble. Not so long ago people found it very difficult to end an unsatisfying marriage. That didn't make marriage better then than now, just harder to leave. We really don't know what the statistics mean. And, since we don't know, I'd rather just let them be and focus on what we can know something about, and on informing people fully about marriage. And, more than that, about how to create a marriage/relationship that satisfies and pleases them. Cut to the chase rather than getting lost going in a possibly totally useless direction.

Why did I start this site? Because I looked around and searched on Google to see what was available, which sites could actually be useful to real people who were either married, or thinking about it, or not wanting to be married but interested in what could be helpful to them in their own relationships. I didn't find much. Oh, I found a lot of sites trying to sell ideas and programs and books and panaceas. (I also found some porno sites that I didn't expect to land on.)

So, I decided to create a site I intend to be helpful, easy to use, and have a wide range of easily identifiable and accessible material on the subject of marriage and relationships--which is what I think marriage is. In its simplest form, it's a relationship. And, if we keep it at that level, at the level of relationship, we can much more easily solve problems encountered in marriage.

Another why for creating the site is that I wrote a book about marriage. Ah, yes. No, I'm not going to try to sell you one. But, you will find that in the sidebar there are links to Amazon.com for two of my books relevant to the subject matter of this site. So, if you ever have the urge to investigate, they are handily just a click away.

I wrote Heirs Together because I'd been out speaking on an issue I'd written a previous book about, the issue of equality for women in the church, and usually I'd be asked something like the following: "You say the Bible supports women's equal participation in the church, how does this affect marriage?"

For those of you who don't know, many Christians (and others too) have been taught by their religious teachers that women are to be "submissive" to their husbands. Some even think that women should be submissive to male leaders in every environment. I had introduced a new way of looking at religious participation, and my listeners wondered, did that mean, by any chance, that I also believed women could/should be equal partners in marriage!?

Actually, yes. I'd discovered a lot of evidence to support that egalitarian position while researching the first book. So, I wrote another one, Heirs Together, to share the research and info on equality in marriage.

But, I'm interested in supplying information relating to marriage and other relationships for more than Christian edification. I think most people are uninformed about the history of marriage, and how that history profoundly affects the laws that have to do with their own marriage or prospective marriage. I want to help remedy that.

I also want to share information and techniques about creating change that I've discovered and developed over several years of studying the process of change, good tools that are practical and easy to use.

Am I simply altruistic, just a good guy with a heart of gold who wants to help the world? Maybe a little bit, but I also want to create a web log/site that is popular enough, useful enough, that it will provide income for me via advertising and affiliate links. I want this site to be so good and satisfying a read that it will be a web traffic magnet. I think quality and quantity of material will help.

If you like what you get here, then, you'll probably be coming back. Often, I hope. I also hope you will share information you know about that belongs here, ask questions, and leave useful and thoughtful comments, because a good site has all of those elements.

Thanks for reading, thanks for visiting. Please help me make this a good place to visit.

Pat

About Marriage Wire

This site is here to serve people who are married, or who are thinking about it, and would like to improve the way they walk through the world together and apart. It's also here to receive all the goodies I want to share about marriage. Please comment, ask questions, and please, please share your online discoveries by emailing me or posting them in the comments sections of any post.

Thanks,

Pat Gundry